Long overdue long overview

I haven't reflected on my whole where-to-live-what-to-do situation for awhile. In the last few weeks, I have received a number of phone calls and emails from folks to ask me what I am planning on doing. See, my 6-month gig in Boston is up at the end of next week. I don't know if my friends have this marked on their calendars or if they can just sense because they hear less often from me as I become more immersed in life here. Workwise, I have done what I promised to do. I can pack my bags and go back to Seattle March 10th. But will I?

No, not next week. I think I am sticking it out here for another year.

The decision is somewhat simpler today than it was yesterday. Late yesterday afternoon I got an email telling me I didn't get an interview for the fellowship I applied for in Seattle. They assured me I was in a "pool of very talented applicants." So at least I know that if I moved back to Seattle, it wouldn't be to conduct research on Asia.

Barring the job offer I received from my mom to come run her company in Denver (this is a standing offer :-), my decision became pretty much binary: stay in Boston for the job or return to Seattle for my friends. I can of course keep in contact with Seattle friends if I stay in Boston and I could find some sort of job if I returned to Seattle. So let's consider this job:

I'm not very good at anything I do at work. It's true (and shocking!): I kind of suck at most of my job. I've been told it takes a lot longer than six months to do anything worthwhile, but I think my boss should expect more of me. By the same token, I don't always feel as if I get the mentoring I need to be better and more productive. My boss and everyone else are just too busy.

If I plugged away at this stock picking thing for ten years, could I ever be excellent? Could I shorten that horizon? Or will I always be just okay at this at best? It comes down to an argument of comparative advantage (yes, an argument of economics). I am really good at some things, not so good at others. It's true that when I work at the things I am not so great at I get better (sometimes I even get good), but how much better would I be if I worked at the things that came naturally to me?

And on an emotional level, do I want to be doing this job? The people in my office are fantastic, and there's a lot of cool stuff I get to do and learn about by meeting with management and having the opportunities I do at this job. But let's face it: the industry on a whole is dirty, greedy and is not yet that friendly to women or minorities. When I go to IPO lunches, it is not uncommon that I am the only woman, or if there is another woman there within twenty years of my age, she is usually the person at the door handing out name tags. This bothers me.

Perhaps it's just circumstance and there are lots of women making great strides in equity investment, I just haven't seen them around. At the beginning of this week I was in Minneapolis to meet with companies out there. I had been there with two of my co-workers for two days and our salesperson who had arranged all the company visits was driving us from place to place. Lost in an office park somewhere near Edina, we were driving in circles. I saw the sign for the company we were to visit and so I pointed it out to said salesman. He responded by saying to my boss and co-worker, "So that's why you guys keep her around. I was wondering."

Ouch.

Would he have said that if they were bringing a male analyst on the road with them? I don't know. Would he have still told an inappropriate pedophilia joke in the car, or was that a passive way to make me uncomfortable? I don't know, perhaps he would have told raunchier jokes if I hadn't been there. I know I think that salesperson is an ass, and there are quite a few of his ilk out there with whom I have to contend.

So why have I pretty much decided to stay in a job I suck at in an industry I don't necessarily fit in? I assure you it is not for martyrdom. I do not intend to blaze the path for women in this field. I am not a glutton for punishment. But the job has a lot to offer and I am not done trying.

My office is small. The company is still in start-up mode in lots of ways, despite the fact that the partners have been in the industry for decades. I am their first research analyst. When Janus Funds (now with billions under management) was still in its early stages, my boss was *their* first analyst and he now is quite respected in his field, is well off, and has a very nice, balanced lifestyle. One could do a lot worse.

In a few more months I can still come back to Seattle. Sure, it may be at some expense, require breaking a lease, changing my insurance back again and other headaches, but I still wager that the experience will be worth it.

So there it is. My decision is all but made. Now, I have to negotiate my employment circumstances with my boss . . .